I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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