so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
