Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
