In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
