I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
