My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
