i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Be still, my beating vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
