I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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