Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
