Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
