You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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