Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
