Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
