if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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