i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
