As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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