guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
