you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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