Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
