you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human