You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me