tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize