OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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