tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
