one two three fourrrrnication!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it's like iHOP with fire
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
