mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is that why you're texting me
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question