i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.