she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.