that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
