im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
