I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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