I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
where are my eyebrows?
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