My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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