Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
