I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
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wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
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It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records