If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
