Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
