Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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