It's like God shit irony all over that family
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
