I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
