I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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