There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
