did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
