i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
