explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
