New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
