Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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