Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
