it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize