At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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