Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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