I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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