I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
