My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
