he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
