Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
