you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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