you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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