1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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