you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
