I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
