and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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