dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
