I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if only i could text you this smell
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
