I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
